Maybe I'm not already OK at all

domingo, 28 de diciembre de 2008

I don't know if I'm still on my sensitive phase, nor if this gonna be my new self... I can grasp a different background to all the things, movies, songs, that I haven't noticed before; in example, just yesterday, I watched "Hancock" again; the first time I watched it, was all fun and exciting, but now I could almost feel the dimension of Hancock's pain, knowing that he had lost the one single person whom was for him, and the loneliness, that he must felt along the years... maybe it was because it was the second time I watched it, but, I still can almost feel that there's something different in all the love movies, something I didn't grasp before. Early in the morning I watched for first time "two weeks notice" with Sandra Bullock and Hugh Grant, and I could felt some kinda weird in the inside, seeing all the development, it seemed like a natural end, or maybe the movie is very predictable.


I wonder if I will ever go back the way I was before all the drama... I don't think so

I'm back (or I think so)

domingo, 7 de diciembre de 2008

I can't believe that I actually cried for her...
But it's all coming back to me now, the sense of purpose, the desire to succeed, the willing to become a better man, a better friend, a better brother, a better son... My goal now is to gain self confidence, I know it's gonna take some time to achieve, but it's what I want to do...
I started to put deadlines to my goals, it's the only way to achieve them, I'm gonna be working under pressure, and become a pursuer, not basing my life on finding the love of my life, but to let her come unnoticed.
I want to meet many women, cos' the more women I get to met, the more chances I have to get to know "THE ONE WOMAN", and that's the main reason I want to gain more self confidence, for losing the fear to approaching women, I'm gonna be rejected, that's a fact, but the important thing is how I mentally deal with that, not getting me down, but to moving on the next.
Whatevs, I guess I'm gonna be back to my normal posting rythm, since I'm OK now.

I hate myself... it's final

lunes, 1 de diciembre de 2008

I'm lost, I know nothing, and I don't know if I did something wrong, nor it was something that just happened neither if I wasn't enough for her.
I'm also drowning in hopelessness. Will I ever be enough for a woman? Will I ever find someone to love and who loves me? Will I ever be all lovey-dovey with a woman? so many lost chances, so many years passed me by...
WHY!? Why did you gave me hope!? Why did you made me believe that my loneliness has ended? You said: "please give me some time to fix all this", so I thought: "Ok, take your time, then I'll be yours and you'll be mine", and out of the blue you say to me, you're gonna marry another guy, whom you just came to know two weeks ago. What was you expecting?! that I'd not crush?! fool!! I cried and cried! Because of my broken dreams! Because I wasn't enough for you! WHAT WAS YOU EXPECTING FROM ME!! I HAVE A HEART!! I'M NOT MADE OF STONE!!
Oh, I just wanna cry. Cry it all! If it's true what all the people say, that there's someone waiting for me somewhere. I call you from here! Come to me right now!... Please save me.

domingo, 23 de noviembre de 2008

I've been very sensitive this days, and I mean VERY.
I've realized that I'm coping with all the heartbreak thing the wrong way, I'm always thinking about the wonderful girl that will arrive someday to my life, and all the things we're gonna do, in a very obsessive way, I even had dreams about girls, that I only know in my dreams, not a girl in particular, not her... I used to dream about her almost everyday, but those days passed away... about three weeks ago... anyway, all the people told me: "There's a wonderful woman for you out there, and some day she will find you". But I misunderstood, she will not come to my life if I wait for her, neither if I go searching her. What I need to do, is to continue my life, to pursue my dreams, do what I want to do... and then in the less unexpected moment... she will show off out of the blue.
So I decided to change my mental scheme, I used to fantasize about having a girlfriend, and the wonderful things we could do... but no more, every time I realize that I'm going through the same pattern, I pause myself, thinking that I have a lot of things to do, things that I've been postponing for a very long time, so I'm stopping all of my fantasize, and trying to become more of a reality boy, I mean: "here and now", oh yeah, the future seems to become promising, but that won't happen if I stay sited waiting for a faceless woman, so please help me, cheer me up, and remind me to finish all the things I have to finish.
That's my plan, but I still can do nothing about the dream's realms, what will happen? I don't know, but I haven't dreamed about girls since about three days ago, and I'm still very sensitive, I swear to you, that sometimes neither I can bear with myself, sad songs always have me on the edge of tears, I sigh frequently, and that feeling of something blocking my throat have come back, not as frequently as in the first days of all the drama, but sometimes. I thought it had dissapeared forever... I knew that this pain was physical too, but I've understood what all they said

In the meantime, let me introduce you a wonderful wedding photographer from San Francisco

Anna Kuperberg

She is so creative and so sensitive to the love, she always seem to be in the right place at the right moment, and she is great working with the people too. Looking at her photographs makes me want to become a blue prince, and to have an enormous dream wedding with all my related and friends, full of love

But right now, this song resumes where I wanna be:

Ladies and gentlemen (but specially ladies)... Dierks Bentley - Free and Easy (Down The Road I Go)


jueves, 13 de noviembre de 2008

I'm confessing here (again)
I never had a girlfriend, I mean like... never... and I'm not kidding here...About 9 years ago, I kissed a girl... a few weeks ago, I kissed a girl again... but this time she broke my heart... sigh... still hurts.
And that's all, the summary of my whole love life... and I'm meaning THE WHOLE THING, I'm skipping nothing... sigh... none of the two girls get to be my girlfriend, and I guess some kisses doesn't mean a relationship.
I guess my heart is still undamaged, at my age, many of my contemporaries had get a heartbreak some times, that makes a heart shy and careful... but my heart is not that way, my heart is still open at full... and still nobody notices... none of the girls who claim to want a passionate man... I'm here! And I'm ready to take the risk of getting my heart trampled on! My heart isn't shielded yet; is naive and fragile... and whoever wants it, can easily take it... It won't oppose... because it wants to be taken away.
I want to love, I want to love oh so much, I wanna get crazy in love... I can only imagine what lovers do, but I wanna make all that things...
But I'm afraid I won't find a girl for me... I'm a weird thing... I haven't had a girlfriend at the age of 25, and I'm some kinda childish... Where am I gonna find a girl who wants to play with me?...If a can't find another childish girl, at least I want a comprehensive girl... a wise and gentle girl... she would take my hand and show me new places and new colors, will teach me many things
Hope, hope, hope... It's all I got know... but I'm at my last

A good man

domingo, 9 de noviembre de 2008

I guess I've become a little more confident, all this is because of you... Cos' I won't forget the countless times you told me, that I'm a good man, a wonderful man, who cares about the others, sweet and tender, neither the many times you told me to go away, that you didn't want to hurt me... And I didn't pay you enough attention... I never loved someone before the way I love you... I won't forget the magic moments we spend together, when we talked an talked and the hours just passed by without being noticed... I loved you... I still love you... but I have to let you go... no matter how painful it would be...

This is the way life is, sometimes you pass through very hard moments, and you think that you won't pick up yourself never, but you have to... and you will do it

Asi es esto de los cacahuates garapiñados

One thing I have for sure: I need to keep going, because there are people who counts on me, and I won't disappoint them

Remembering you

sábado, 8 de noviembre de 2008

So your grin became mine, and I started to use your quotes, I used to think, why am I trying to forget you? seeing that is obvious that I got you even in my bones... but now I have no other choice.
It's sad to discover myself using your shrugs, and your grins. Makes me think of you. When will all this pain ends? as I told you, it's the first time that I have to go through this kind of pain, it's so crushing, but I guess overcoming this is part of growing.
And I suppose that you know the pain I'm goin' trough, because you are a survivor, a beautiful survivor, whom i'd like to hate, but I can't.


I'm tired of crying you, crying for you in the corners, in the bathrooms, in my bed just before I fall asleep, also I'm tired of having my head full of "if's", If we just... whatevs
A woman, a bit of stupid woman not a friend of mine, told me: "sometimes life can't be the way you want". lame.
Today I say to you, that life is always the way we want, every decisión we made, conscious or by omission, led us to the actual moment on our lifes, I know that, and if my heart is broken, it's because I WANTED this, every single choice I made, led me to this very moment. Besides, I won't let you take all of the fault, because I knew what I was doing.
Painful times full of tears.
I see us, and what we could be, in every couple in the world.
You took away a piece of heart from me, how can I even dare to offer a mutilated heart to the next girl?
All because of you

Greetings from Neza York!

lunes, 20 de octubre de 2008

Nezahualcoyotl, State of México. Also known by the chilangos, and the natives, as: Neza-York, Mi Nezota (Minessota) and others.
A not so beautiful place, but still a interesting place.
Homeland of everythin' that is naco
An appendix of México City, wich is the city I live right now.
Home of cholos, thieves, junkies, graffiters, homeless, etc... And also a lot of hard-working people
A sleepy city, with strong identity...

"Virgen de Guadalupe bless our neighborhood"

Some of the Nezahualcoyotl's fauna:

Doggies (cutie!!!)

Snails :P

Roosters (he was saying "cock-a-doodle-do" to me)

The End

A girl

martes, 14 de octubre de 2008

This girl amazes and confuses me at the same
She amazes me, because she seems kinda unique to me, she's smart and funny
But she's a riddle to me.
In the first days I met her, she looked for me very often, to talk or joke around, I liked that, because generally I'm the one who look for my girlfriends, I mean, they kinda never phone me, or text me, or email me... If I don't do it first, maybe it's my imagination, or maybe they are as lazy as me about to keeping in touch, Anyway.
She has a boyfriend, a fiance; and for such reason, I tagged her as my friend, and nothing more, I really meant that, and I never thought that we would have something more than a very good friendship. But a few days ago, she said that she likes me a lot, my face in that moment would be like "uh?", and I said nothing, mainly because I didn't know how to answer that, I mean that declaration couldn't involve nothing romantic because she has a boyfriend, a fiance! She asked me if I act always the same when someone says that likes me. I answered: "I know that this declaration has no romantic intentions since it comes from you", and she replied: "sorry, let me explain myself, I said that I like you, but I like you as a friend, because you're very nice, you like me?", I said that she is a very nice and cool person, everything clear to that point, I misunderstood.
But after that some things had happened, she looks for me me more frequently, and some times she says some things that really confuses me a lot, like that she likes my smile, and some other stuff like that.
And right now I don't know where I'm standed, She likes me in a romantic way? We're just good friends? I got my mind up, and I was very convinced that we just would be friends, because she's not available, but now, sometimes i think stuff like this: "And if she didn't have a boyfriend? what would I do?" I would chase her looking for a romantic relationship? But the fact is, that she does have a boyfriend, and I'm very clear at this point, I would not involve with a woman who's already in a relationship, it's my politic, and I'll always stick to it, because someone cheating on me? it's not a nice thing, I know that.
And that's because I will do nothing, NOTHING at all, I won't move one single step for having an romantic relationship with this woman, or giving her hopes that she stand a chance with me, at least while she has a boyfriend, and I don't know if even when she left her boyfriend is ok, I mean, breaking a relationship with a fiance. Would this girl be ready to ride into another man just when she left someone whom she was going to marry? dunno.
But I don't wanna kick her off, I still want to have her as a friend, and besides that, there's the fact that I could be misunderstanding all of this things, and she just wanna be friends for real. I could ask her, but I'm afraid of his answer, what if she gets mad at me because I ever thought that she has other intentions than being good friends.
I don't know what to do, and still I'm gonna do nothing.
Am I acting the right way?


Super Awesome!!

martes, 23 de septiembre de 2008

Sorry about the subtitles
Please don't mind them, besides, they're wrong sometimes.

The original here

DSLR dreaming

jueves, 11 de septiembre de 2008

I dreamed again of a DSLR (digital single lens reflex) camera, I was changing lenses and discovered that the CMOS sensor was full of dust. This is becoming an obsession, because I don't have a DSLR camera, but I want to buy one, but not in the near future. Can you save money and give me a DSLR camera as a present? please? I don't ask to much, here's what I want:

A Canon Rebel XSi

I'll thank you very much


miércoles, 3 de septiembre de 2008

Hi there! it's been quite a while, eh? I felt that I had nothing important to say, my sista told me that I'd better pay attention to this, or I'll get nowhere in the blogging world (uh?) I'll try to post more frequently (I said try).
-Today post is about me
-"no! really?"
(talking about geekness)
I have a confession to do: I'm a geek, oh dadgum yes! I so am, don't cry ladies
Well this story starts quite awhile ago, in the college, where I was introduced to the anime series "Evangelion" by a close friend of mine; by the moment I watched the first chapter, I was a gonner!! I got so interested in all the stuff! (japanese stuff), mainly the animes and mangas, Oh lord, those were good days! I wasted all of my free time to collect (and watch) any anime series, and also read a lot of mangas, I was all crazy about this, but please understand me, a whole new universe had been revealed to me
With the time a quiet peaceness came to me, I became more selective with the anime I watched, only picking up the ones that seemed worthless to watch, and discarding the bad ones, I read a lot less of manga, and started to investigate all about the japanese culture, mainly because I wanted to discover, what made them create all this stuff, so particularly different to the rest of the world was doing, why many graphic artists were so influented by the japanese graphic culture.
I'm nowhere near of the answer to that, it involves their culture, the way they are raised, the fact that japan is composed by three islands, etc...
Anyway so I became a graduated, a fresh man, a senior, whatever would be the correct word, and I started to involve with my job, and with other stuff (wich is theme for other post), so I stopped watching anime, I stopped assisting to anime conventions, I stopped learning japanese, I stopped... well, you get my point, I still read manga, well sometimes, but I wanted to believe that my geekness had became part of my past.
But (there's always a but, y'all know that) I found my poseable action figure of the Evangelion 00 unit, so I started playing with it (yes, I said playing), equiping it with different weapons, and posing it, then I thought of shooting pictures of it... and by the time I took the first photo, I realized.
I realized that I'm a geek, that I've always been a super geek grade A, that no one can deny their origins, and I started crying, crying for the lil' geek that I am, crushed by the fact that I'll always be a geek; well this is a bit far from what really happened, I didn't cry, I said "blah!" and shooted more pictures, but ya know, all the crying thing seemed a lil more dramatic.
Well the fact is that I'm a geek, and I'm ok with that so I won't deny it
I let you with the ultimate evidence of my geekness

I'll understand if you never come back by this place


lunes, 4 de agosto de 2008

a few days ago, a more payed job was offered to me, it was a good offer and I accepted instantly, all I needed to do, was to have a talk with my boss, explain him the situation, settle down all the tasks undone on about two weeks, and left my actual work; however... my boss... made a counter offer, equaling the offer I was made before (is that sentence well structured? and this? whatever)...
The point here... is... That was never expected, of all the scenarios I plotted in my mind, that was the less expected, I commented the offer with my friends before talking to my boss, and all of them felt like I was saying goodbye already; I do like my job, but if the pay is better... well you know, one must look for greener pastures.
I never received any comment like: "good work Gabriel" or "well done boy", in fact, I received only negative comments, and now, out of the blue, I come to know, that I'm a valuable member of the team, a key talent, whom must be withheld, at least as important to equal a good amount of money offered by some other people. hahahahahahahaha, I feel happy, I feel very happy, but I have not allowed myself to demonstrate this in public, I' ve been contained my desires to run and yell at the world: "I'M THE ALL STARS EMPLOYEE!!!", and this is the only place where I'll unleash all of these stuff, only a littel, don't worry
I feel relieved, I used to struggle about the money all the time, but now, with this raise, no more of that shit, and now I possess an important knowledge, and that is, that I have become a necesary person in the company and no matter what the other say to me, I know, deep in my heart, that I'm not a disposable worker, hahahahahahaha; this is not about my raise, is about me becoming an important worker, OMG, that sounded pretty pretentious, gotta stop, I got work to do, hahahahahahahaha

School & work

miércoles, 23 de julio de 2008

I've noticed something lately. It seems that all of my friends and related that blog, seem happier than me... I mean just looking to his blogs, makes wanna change my way of life drastically, they always seem to be happy, and always hanging out with friends, and ALSO having a lot of time to blog all this stuffs. I wanna be like them... I've also noticed, that all the people who seems happier than me, is still at school, not because they're studying medicine (well; someones do, did you read me Adly?) or a master, but because they're younger than me or they were lazy at school and are still catching up with all of us, I always fantasize of having enough money to not have to work the rest of my life, silly, anyway
And all of my people who blogs and are still at school, complains about homeworks, about exams, about deadlines, jujujujujuju, I laugh at you all silly people, I've been trough there and let's get serious, IT'S NO BIG DEAL, basically school is about having fun, I know that uses to get stressing sometimes, but this is not all the time, come on people school is about having fun, and friends, and hanging out with them, you'll see when you get a serious work, DEADLINES NEVER END, you just finished something, and even can't take a second to breath, because there's still another task, waiting to be done, and with (oh surprise!) a close deadline, and you're ALWAYS working under pressure (by the way, I work well under pressure, it results me: challenging), there's no rest at all, and you get so involved to that, that suddenly it becomes part of your way of life (I even dream with my work sometimes!) well that's something expected, I mean, working people spends more than one third of their ENTIRE day at work, another third sleeping, and part of the other third transporting to the job (or eating, jejeje); well, I know not all the jobs are this way, and lately I've start to think just mine.
Seems that the actual society wants us to work like donkeys until we just explode dead tired:
work, work, work, money, money, money, buy, buy, buy... sigh. We spend so much time at work, that's because it's so important to work in something that satisfy you.
All the people who I know, that is working, is very involved with their jobs, and they have talks about work, they're busy at all time, they hang out with with their workmates; tasks, projects, employees, deadlines, etc. Some of them even blog about work (like me)
(Take a look at the blog of this cool girls, whom recently entered in the blogger's "blogs of note")
Working Girl
I don't know, maybe later I'll see them in this side, and I'll be happily saying in my insides: bwajajaja at least!!! Or maybe not, and I'll be envying them, for having the life I want ¿Am I a looser?

miércoles, 2 de julio de 2008

I was talking with Alejandra the other day, she felt lonely... Told her that I feel the same way sometimes, it result to be, that our feelings in such days, are very similar.
Why do we feel lonely? when it seems that we are just starting our way trough life? (as the olders say) I mean, both of we, just started to live by ourselves, we work, we make money, we are independent! with the rest of our lives before us, it's no time to feel lonely, but to feel joy (As the olders told us). You know, is about enjoying our just acquired independence, to succeed in our careers, to rely on the total lack of responsability... and we feel lonely? maybe this is growing up, but, if it is, sucks, totally crap.
In times like that, I feel, like if ALL the other people, are just wearing masks, such masks, just show what's correct to our society, but hide everything that we don't want the other people to know, it's horrible, you feel like there's no one I can count on, no one cares about you, altough I know that not all the people are this way, is hard those days to recover that knowledge.
In such days, I think that I would feel relieved if I had a girlfiend by my side, you know, just cuddle together, and to tell me: "It's ok, don't worry, stand up, clean your knees. And let's face the world together". I guess a lot of people use to think that way in some point of their lifes, it's useless, I know, that my happyness is only inside me, and no one deserves to carry on the responsability to complete my life, because I must be a complete man, all alone.
However, those days always pass away, but unfortunately, as easy as they go, they come, and this cycle repeats again. Most of the time, I feel happy, and that I have an objective, but just to think that those days will come again.
What kind of events trigger these feelings? and if I knew them, should I avoid it? I don't know.
Those days are hard, the loneliness is so crushing, but you are surrounded by people, that makes it heavier.
All it's mazed, will I feel complete ever?
Please tell me if you understand what I feel, and share with me what you think, I'll see if that help me in the next sadnes season, lol


miércoles, 11 de junio de 2008

and thereby, I ended here...